Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
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DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Everyone’s family
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*