Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
You Might Also Like
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.