Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
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Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
me
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now