AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
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Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back