Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
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Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Wait a second…
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.