This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
You Might Also Like
then why did i get this email
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
me as a parent
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Can’t, holding a grudge
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I think about this a lot
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?