Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
You Might Also Like
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
it’s the silliest best thing
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.