[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
You Might Also Like
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.