the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
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Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Still my favourite meme.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.