Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
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*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
We need more people like this.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”