“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
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What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Mornin
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Twitter remains undefeated
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.