The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
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The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up