My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
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*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
When can I start eating bats again.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him