I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
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My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Traveler’s camo
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.