The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
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How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.