Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
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[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave