cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
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My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.