If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
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Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.