Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
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If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
What a website
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*