[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
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I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
I’d rather fork than spoon.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
the last thing a carrot sees
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run