[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
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I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”