Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
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Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little