[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
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Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.