[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
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The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
i dont have time for this
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.