Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
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Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
what the
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020