Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
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If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Traveler’s camo