He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
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I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
#growingpains
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
s
oc
i
a
l
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this