Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
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Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.