Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
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I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.