Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
You Might Also Like
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.