Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
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I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
A customer told me they were never coming back….
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT