If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
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If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Who’s your best friend?
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms