That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
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I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.