The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
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i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.