I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
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i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I created you as mosquito food.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
look at me when i’m typing to you
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.