Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
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I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?