This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
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The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
My favorite female superhero
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*