My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
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Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.