I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
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#KarenAndTheCat 😉
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
This is a true ally.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated