Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
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Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Finished stitching this today 😇
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin