There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
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Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I beg your pardon?
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”