Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
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there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
All excellent questions
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
are they though??
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
then why did i get this email
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.