I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
You Might Also Like
excuse me
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
me before I type out affect or effect
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
“i am a sweet baby”
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan