When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
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Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Why is everyone getting married at me
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.