me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
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Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
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🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat