By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
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Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?