If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
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calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down