Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
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Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Carpe DM
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
I was bored.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims