Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
You Might Also Like
😲 WTF? 😆
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.