Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
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Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Saturday
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.